Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. Maybe Im projecting too much from my own experiences because your boyfriend sounds like my jerkbrain incarnate (btw, my jerkbrain is interested in my eating and exercise mostly because it thinks I should lose weight, hmmm), but this letter bummed me out because it sounds like you are making some great personal progress and your boyfriend is sandbagging you instead of giving you high fives and wtf is that about? He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. One person I dated who trampled all over my boundaries and was generally terrible would tell me that he was challenging me and that it was good to be a relationship with someone who.trampled all over your boundaries? Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. "Breaking up evokes a lot of really strong emotions in people," Dr. Freitag explains. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. My great-grandfather had families in the UK, Germany and Australia, none of whom were aware of each other until Facebook. THIS. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. It took me over 12 years to learn that. I can go one better! I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. Ill offer help if asked, but otherwise, I try to stay out of itunless an (in)action is directly affecting me, as it was in this case. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. He has literally never done this. Probably fish . We ended up breaking up about a year later. he said, thats great! Theres a lot of power in taking full ownership of the decision to take more autonomy over your choices. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. theres a bigamist in my family tree too- except he faked his own death. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. Your walking wasnt exercise enough for him??! When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Again, I dont know your boyfriend/relationship, but if he (and if you + your therapist are okay with this) is willing to come to therapy with you, it could be an option. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and observes you engaging in self-harming behaviors, and is unable to support you or help you cease those behaviors, theres a real risk they will end the relationship. But I have vivid memories of having take-out chinese one night, then reheated leftovers the next, with soup from the freezer a third night, back in the day. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Both of the above. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. This boyfriend sounds a little like my mother, and finances have forced me to live with the rents for a bit, so I appreciate the tips and scripts Ive read here. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. But now, today, you have already exercised. Ding! Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! Expressing that anger towards the situation? If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! i got a screw driver thing and tried to force the switch witih t; I have a hp 2000 notebook pc and the touch pad and cursor aren`t letting me click on things but the cursor does move? Then he was a royal PITA trying to get me back, because I turned out to be harder to upgrade than he expected again, hindsight! Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. You are not the only one. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. Jealousy is a range some people rarely get jealous and some people are constantly jealous (which, in general, is never a good thing). Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. I just sit there with a BMI of 40 and a face like this . Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I feel you. I told him that, he asked me what he should do instead, and I couldnt answer him. He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. Not because Ive been on the receiving endactually quite the opposite, as I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly miserable and did absolutely nothing to try and rectify it. This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. I dont know your boyfriend, but in my case, I had to say to my fianc outright that I already have a therapist who is doing her job just fine, and this was even harder for him, because part of his job involves providing therapy to students on the autism spectrum. Accepting you means accepting that. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. I can tilt my head to one side and see a boyfriend that this LW needs to dump *yesterday* because all hes doing is trying to build his ideal partner out of what he believes is some kind of nascent state that can go in any direction, like a bunch of stem cells. Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. Yeah. Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. I 100 million percent second this. Someone struggling is not an automatic invitation to step in and run their lives for them. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. I have been with my husband for 23 years, and he is chronically clinically depressed. Nothing is good enough. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. And you dont need to accept this as appropriate treatment. Until he tells you what the problem is, just let it be. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Dont be ashamed of using a coping method that works for you, just try and do it safely, and know that I will never be upset with you for whatever you need to do. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. But I guess its cool because he never got DIVORCED *gasp*. Yup. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) And it is reasonable to want people who are important in your life to be supportive and helpful. Walking or biking dont have those painful associations for me and are thus easier on me mentally. Sure, its better if you are exercising and eating vegetables I guess, but if you dont thats fine youre great anyway. Its amazing the first time you realize the difference between actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable. Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. craniest, let me take this opportunity to say yay you for doing X! Ive had a major depressive disorder for most of my life, I *know* how damn hard it can be to just do X, and Im so sorry that the person in your life is being an unhelpful, unsupportive jerkass. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. The goalposts will keep moving. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. Finally I flat out refused. And its difficult for you to explain this to him, because the Depression Demons are whispering that hes right, so you feel guilty and emotional about it all; so then its Emotional You v Logical Him and things get horrible very quickly. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. Low self-esteem. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? It is about him. This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Depression. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. I do find that if Im in a good place, exercise will help jump-start my mood if Im in danger of falling into a depression and it helps maintain my positive mood and energy. I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. I didnt do it for you. This is a good question for a conversation with your boyfriend if indeed thats what has been going on! Let me give an example. I hate that its still so acceptable and so common to cloak these actions under the masculine traits of logic and reason. Demand constant direct Snaps, video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. I guarantee you it will only get worse. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. Yeah, this may be coming from a place of already focusing a bit intensely on food and exercise (history of disordered eating and over-exercise here) but to me this sounds like a recipe for mental health disaster. Absolutely. I dont think it really matters whether LWs boyfriend is doing this to try to make her non-depressed, thin or both; hes behaving in a way thats controlling and unhelpful, whatever his reasons. Oh, this reminds me so much of one or two friends Ive had. My therapist is big on one thing at a time, and if the way I was going to get my paper done on time was by subsisting on the cookies I could reach from my bed, well hey, the papers done! Soup kitchens. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. 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